Who knew?  Did anyone have any idea that the 3 year old goofy kid who couldn't talk yet would eventually be the Super Bowl MVP?  I sure didn't.  How do I know that he couldn't talk?  I got it from an awkward interview during hour 11 of the Super Bowl gameday coverage.  Terry 'fake laughing at Frank Caliendo's Segments' Bradshaw interviewed Archie Manning.

Terry basically said: 'Now, I know Eli was a goofy mute...was that hard?'

Archie 'somehow my ungood career comes off looking great these days' Manning basically deflected the question by saying that he has a nephew who is developmentally challenged and that he told the parents 'Not to worry, Eli didn't say nothing until he was 3'.  When I was 3, I declared myself ruling overlord of everything and that I would make my way across the land as a story teller because everyone loved listening to me talk.  I later rescinded this and renounced my claim as overlord.  I traded it all in for a Voltron cake.  You would have to if you had seen the cake.  It had one of the lions attaching itself.  It was an action cake.  You don't see action cakes much anymore.

Continue reading "Little Giants"

Cheating.  Dictionary.com defines cheating as: 'To violate rules deliberately, as in a game'

The Patriots cheated.  The thing that got lost in Spygate was the explanation that Belichick gave for the 'mistake'.  So astounding.  Billy Bud and the Pats brushed it off as a mistake; a 'missinterpretation of the rules'.  I don't even know where to begin on that.

Nevermind that the league breafs every team on the rules.  Nevermind they specifically mentioned to all the teams that you couldn't videotape the other sideliness.  Forget all that.  Actually don't.  There is no confusion there.  They never thought they would get caught.  Once they did, we heard things like: 'it didn't give that big an advantage anyway'.  Right.  I won't calim to know what it did or didn't do.  I will tell you that I wouldn't go to so much trouble if it didn't benefit me in some way.

Continue reading "Cheaters Never Prosper...Well They Kinda Do"

Shaq has always been one of my least favorite NBA players.  By all accounts, he is gregarious, fun loving, and a good teammate.  Why do I hate him when I am all of those 3 things (I was...when I played sports...I guess I still am when I fill on on the flag football team)?

I can't stand him because he's not accountable.  Here's what I mean: Find a game on ESPN classic from when he first got to LA.  Better yet, find a classic college game when he was at LSU.  The dude was huge obviously, but he was also in great shape.  He was explosive.  He looked like a more jacked version of Greg Oden.  Those days are long behind us.

Continue reading "A Prediction"

Only one of those 3 was not an exclamation of a big punch on the old Batman series with Adam West (before he became mayor of Quohog) and Burt Ward (before he.......well he hasn't done anything).  We're talking about Pau in this blog. 

I've mentioned before that I live in New York.  Well, one of the privileges/curses is the YES network.  I watched the Nets play the Lakers last night in Pau's Laker debut.  Here are my thoughts:

1) The Nets play inspired basketball...inspiring like a movie about how a billionaire made another couple million by firing 1000 factory workers and destroying the town where the factory is as thousands of puppies become homeless.  Please trade Jason Kidd.  

Continue reading "Pau! Blam! Zarff!"

I predicted Shaq would go to New York and be the latest embarrassment for the Knicks.  You can't blame me.  Admit it, you thought that it made great sense.  It would have been the latest overture in the Isiah symphony.

I have long believed that NBA GMs have a secret contest where they decide who can make the worst decisions.  The Spurs GM is never invited so he gets back at the rest of the league by having the Spurs in title contention every year.  Steve Kerr was on the outside looking in.  He was mad.  Steve wanted to be in that conversation of 'hey, did you see that terrible trade?'  Congrats broseph.  Welcome to the jungle.

Continue reading "Good Prediction...NOT"

The Illinois men's basketball team is, to be kind, ungood.  As of this writing, they are 2-9 in the Big 10 (note: the Big 10 has not been 'The Big 10' for some time.  There are 11 teams playing basketball in that conference.  Is the Big 10 a lie?  Yes.  Yes it is.  You might as well call it the 'Purple 4' or the '37 Mountain Goats Playing Teatherball And Watching Reruns Of Growing Pains Who's Theme Song Was Sung By Alan Thicke; Is There Anything He Can't Do?'.  You can't just lie to people.)

Here's the quick back story:

Continue reading "Boo Gordon! Booooooooooooooooo (quick breath) Booooooooooooooooooo!"

Roger Clemens.  The mercenary pitcher for hire will testify in front of Congress on Wednesday.  I am thoroughly conflicted.  Here's what is going on in the 6 inches of brain space between my ears.

-I have despised Clemens for years.  I have never doubted he cheated after he left Boston as an oft-injured, over-weight, washout and emerged as a workhorse juggernaut with dominant stuff well into his 40s.

-I have loathed his lack of loyalty as he serves Roger and only Roger.

-I despise anyone who holds a team hostage and forces his team to send him to the yankees...and by anyone, I mean Clemens

Continue reading "Roger Goes To Washington"

ESPN is reporting that Jason Kidd is going to be traded to the Dallas Mavericks:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=3244102

I love this trade.  I do.  I am so thankful that New Jersey is freeing J Kidd from his prison sentence as the team wallows in the ever awkward: 'we could compete for a 7th seed if everone was healthy' phase.  I hate when teams do this.  They settle.  What's the point of having a team?  It's to try and win a championship.  It's not to try and make the playoffs every year.  Win a championship; that's your goal.  The Nets needed to punt on this season and begin anew.  This trade will help them start over and build.

Continue reading "My Name Is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDD!"

Let's mix in a Boone.  What's that?  The Nats already have 5 in the organization?  Who cares, let's add another.  The Washington Post is reporting that the Nats have signed Brett Boone to a minor league deal: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/18/AR2008021802026.html

When we last saw this Boone, he snuck out of the Mets clubhouse in spring training with very little ceremony.  This was after his meteoric fall from MVP candidate with Seattle to part-time player with the Twins. Which Boone will be at Nats camp?

Continue reading "Feel Good Story or Awkward Comeback Attempt When Fading Away Might Have Been Best?"

It's a time for re-birth in literature.  Even though it's dumb that supposedly every book ever uses the 'universal symbolism guide', a new baseball season is upon us.  We're in a cool era here.  If you can calm yourself down and look past the circus on capitol hill, there are a bunch of teams who are in a pretty good spot to compete in '08.  Who wants division previews?

Let's do this.  In random order, the 1st division we're going over is the NL Central.  

Predicted Finish:

1) Cubs

2) Reds

3) Cardinals

4) Brewers

5) Astros

6) Pirates

Breakdowns in reverse order:

Pirates: Quick, without looking it up, name 4 Pirates.  Exactly.  Look out world, it's Ronny Paulino!

Continue reading "Spring, Glorious Spring"

Here's the summary of a movie: Will Ferrell plays an athlete with an over-the-top amount of macho bravado.  He improvs scenes and the out-takes are really funny.  What movie is it?

It could be Talladega Nights, That Figure Skating Thing, or his latest homage to unathletic athletes: Semi-Pro.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS3KnVyS_bs&feature=related

Listen, I like Will Ferrell.  What I don't like is that his people are railroading him into doing the same thing over and over.  The people that see these movies in the theatre are the same guys that are conviced that Larry The Cable Guy is a genius.  He's not for the record.  He made up a character to make fun of the types of people that now come to see his shows in droves.  Will Ferrell isn't mocking absurdly macho characters.  What he is doing is created a niche for himself to play the same character in different settings.  This new brand of junioric (word I just made up.  It's not sophomoric...it's a step up but were still on campus) humor should have stopped with Anchorman.

Continue reading "Semi-Meh"

The NFL Free Agency signing period begins at midnight tonight.  This is always one of the weirdest things in the sports calendar.  Football is such a unique game.  Sometimes a great player for one team won't be a great player anywhere else.  A 3-4 end could be a special teams player on a 4-3 team.  A big 1100 yard receiver could collect dust on a team that runs the west coast offense.

The point is, pro football, more than any other sport is about schemes, coaching, and adjustments.  This is why every play is not only taped, but photographed, and subsequently scrutinized like it's the Zapruda film.

Every off season, teams (and by enlarge, their fans) talk themselves into thinking that getting a certain guy will put them over the top.  Take the 49ers for example.  Last year, they gave Nate Clements, by all accounts a great corner, an enormous deal and declared their pass defense woes 'solved'.  They finished with a worse pass defense ranking this past year.  Is Clements bad?  Was he only good because his former team generated pressure?  Did he have a simplified responsibility; always maintaining inside leverage with safety help deap on the outside?  Did teams not throw his way because the other CB was really bad?  These are the kinds of things that make the NFL so interesting.  It's always hard to get a consensus on a guy.

Continue reading "NFL Free Agency...Sure We Overpaid But He Fits Our Scheme That Will Be Different In A Year..."